A thought

Hi.

So this isn’t what I usually do here, but I wanted to talk about this and what better place to put my thoughts than a public blog that people can see? Right…?

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about DnD, or Dungeons and Dragons if anyone is actually reading this. Life is a lot like DnD if you really think about it. I know, what an original observation, but stick with me here I have a point. Life is a lot like DnD because of skills.

I’ve thought for a long time that human beings are just collections. Collections of memories, collections of skills, collections of traits that make you, well, you. And if you had a mind to, you could put all those traits on a piece of paper and attach numbers to them. Congrats, you just made a character sheet!

The real difference, and terror, of life is uncertainty. Dungeons and Dragons is great because no matter what thing you need to do at anytime, you can just look at your character’s skills to see if they are good at it. Sure, you roll dice to see if you do it well, and you can screw up with good skills or succeed with bad ones, but you always know if your character is good at something.

Life isn’t like that. You can’t just pull up a screen and look at how strong you are, or how smart you are or charismatic. Sure, you can take tests, lift heavy shit or talk to people, but those take time. Not to mention you have to factor in whether or not you’re just having an off day. There is not a single moment where you can just know, “I can pick up 100kg worth of weight!”

And that’s… fucking terrifying. It’s almost paralyzing. That space between knowning and not knowing is where doubt kicks in. Doubt is one of the worst things I have to deal with, in my priviledged life. And while I’m extremely lucky to be priviledged enough to worry about stuff like this, it doesn’t make the problem feel like less. As silly as it sounds, knowing that others have to deal with more makes my problems feel trivial. Not less, but stupid.

I think that’s why it’s tough for me to connect to people sometimes. In games, movies, books and series, I know the limits. I can predict how characters will act generally, and it comforts me to know that they can’t deviate from their character sheet, as it were. People aren’t like that, they’ll constantly surprise you, because they don’t know the answer either.

We’re all just bouncing around in the pinball machine of life, trying to make enough tiny adjustments just to live. We all change, sometimes because we want to, and other times just because we don’t want to lose people. It’s a scary, suffocating, crushing feeling. It hangs around everyone, and some people on some days seem to notice it more than others.

If I can mix metaphors for a minute, life is a long drive down a straight road. You don’t have a map, you don’t have a gps either. People try to give you directions, and some of them even work, but all of them are hard to read. Sometimes, you see a side road, but it curves, so you have no idea where that goes either. Other cars are around you, some trying to speed you up, or hit you, and others trying to avoid you at all costs.

That’s all life is, trying to make tiny adjustments to stay on your path, or really big adjustments to move onto the next one. Except, sometimes, there are other people in the car. They chat, make jokes, play with the radio and criticise your driving. But you love them. They make the trip fun, even in those moments where you wish the car was empty. Life is scary, tough and it doesn’t care if you make it.

Luckily, there are people who love you.

So, at the end of the day, life is like DnD. Not because you can fight dragons or shoot fireballs. Not because you can be an elf warrior. Not because you can check on your stats to make the best decision in any situation. None of that happens, and it probably won’t ever happen. Life is like DnD because what really matters is the people you’re playing it with.